| I believe the very best... |
[12 Jul 2003|04:34pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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Leo came to see me last week. It was the first time I'd seen him or spoken to him since leaving for Brazil and my father. We talked a little about random things and then he came straight out with his feelings for me. I'm not going to wax lyrical about anything either of us said. It was between us and there it will remain. All I will say is repeat his own words - we are together again. I can't promise it will last forever, nor can I say it will be easy. We've both changed so much. We can't expect to just pick up where we left off and I honestly would not want to do that. I like the person I am now. I want to learn the person he is now.
I want to fall in love all over again.
There's a time for everyone if they only learn
That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn
There's a rhyme and reason to the wild outdoors
When the heart of this star-crossed voyager beats in time with yours
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| "Too far away..." |
[28 Jun 2003|12:14pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
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music |
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Far Away - Duncan Sheik |
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I returned from Brazil late last night. It was probably closer to sunrise than it was to being night. I got home and walked straight out onto my balcony to watch the sunrise, sitting in an old wooden chair and letting my thoughts drift away with the last fragments of night.
If, again, you wander
If, too soon again, you wander
Far away, far away
Let this, too, be with you
An old tune somewhere within you
Far away, far away
Falling through the autumn evening
Every darkened street, calling to forgotten feeling
The passing ghosts and scattered leaves
A lot has happened to me since I last wrote in my journal. My father has pulled through. Thank God. My plane in Brazil was met by my sisters and I will confess to my heart dulling and almost stopping when I saw them all together to meet me. I thought it must be bad news. I'm not used to feeling that way. My father called me the eternal optimist but lately...it's been harder. So many reasons, things pressing down on me. It's been hard to believe completely in optimism, in good. Somehow I lost my way. My belief in que sera, sera. Fate. Meaning. Hope. Love. So I saw my sisters there to meet me and immediately jumped to the worst possibility. That my father had died. I was too late. I just stopped. Refusing to take any steps closer to them, to hearing those words voiced. My sisters just ran to me, smothering me in kisses and tears, telling me over and over that our father would be okay. I could barely believe it. I was afraid to until I stood by his bed and felt him squeeze my hand with his usual warmth, his brown eyes sparking weakly but sparking all the same. He taught me a lesson in believing. Sometimes that's all a person has. Belief. And if you lose that, you lose hope. You lose everything that is good in your life. I believe again. In que sera sera.
If, again, you love him her
If, too soon again, you love him her
Far away, far away
Let this, too, be with him her
Humming smoothly when you kiss him her
Far away, far away
Haunting all the talk, and stalling
Every hope of sleep
Calling to some distant longing
Another soul within your sheets
I spent a week in Brazil with mi familia. I needed that week away from LA. Away from the person I'd become. It was like an injection of life and passion deep into my soul. I watched my father come home from hospital and grow healthier by the day. I giggled with my mother over childhood memories. I danced with my sisters on the beach, feeling the white sand between my toes. I dived into the ocean with myself, finally okay.
If, some day, you love me
If, in truth, some day, you love me
Far away, far away
Let the words within you
Whisper to you how I miss you
Far away, far away
For if, some day, I wander
Then, too soon, I too will wander
Far away, far away
Far away, far away, far away
Calling to your heart, and stealing
All the want away
And now I'm back in LA. I haven't seen anybody yet. But I will.
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| "I'll be your crystal baller" |
[19 Jun 2003|03:07pm] |
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Macrame queens in the afternoon and I'm in tune or did I speak too soon?
Punch drunk on somebody's joke, what happened to the time?
A footnote in your dance of days, in my mind that record still plays
Still wonder what the fuck it says, hoping there is time
Can we try and take the high road though we don't know where it ends?
I want to be your crystal baller
I can show you how it ends
Can we talk about tomorrow and the promise that it brings?
I want to be your crystal baller
I want to show you everything
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| Happy father's...day... |
[15 Jun 2003|07:24pm] |
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 scared |
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My mother called me yesterday morning to tell me that my father has collapsed and been rushed to hospital. He's such a strong man, never so much a serious cough in his life before. The doctors were talking like it's a heart attack or possibly even a stroke.
I don't know. I've never heard my mother sound so lost and broken as she did on the phone yesterday. My world just stopped. Everything I'm dealing with, Leo... everything, just suddenly faded into insignificance against the news of my father. I just want to go. Be with him in Brazil. The earliest flight I can get is Tuesday. I think I might drive myself insane before then with questions and regrets.
Why did I ever leave Brazil? Why didn't I go home for father's day? Does he know that I love him? Why didn't I tell him how much I admire him the last time we talked? Why didn't I say he's my hero? What if he dies? .... What if...
God I can't do this. Please don't ask me to.
I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much s/he means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell him/er how I feel
.............
So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes
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| Isn't it funny...? No. |
[14 Jun 2003|02:58am] |
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blank |
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music |
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Bring Me To Life - Evanescence |
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Life changes so fast. It's crazy. Sometimes I feel like everything around me is changing while I stand still. Trapped in some kind of time warp. I hate it. I hate standing still while everything about me rushes and whirls; a kaleidoscope of colors and faces and sounds. Voices I can't quite hear. People I can't quite touch. It makes me want to scream out for it all to stop. But other times I like being frozen somehow. It stops me from feeling. It stops me from dying.
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| ....... Death becomes her? |
[10 Jun 2003|08:42pm] |
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 sick |
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I died. I know. Shoot me. Sue me. Bury me. Then maybe you'll breathe life into me and help me to live again.
I'm so tired. I spent the last two weeks fighting off a chest infection, without much luck. I went to the doctor today who gave me antibiotics and told me they would make me feel worse for three days. Heh, great. Thanks a bunch. It's times like these I wish my family lived closer. Or that things with Leo were better. Because I need to be hugged and babied and loved. Pathetic I know. Trust me, when I feel better again I will look back on this time and mentally kick myself.
Ah, le sigh.
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| "Who am I?" |
[24 May 2003|08:52pm] |
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Put simply, I am Gisele Caroline Bundchen from Horizontina, Rio Grande do Sul, Brazil. I have five sisters - Raquel, Graziela, Gabriela, Patricia and Rafaela - so you can imagine how crazy it gets whenever I go back home.
I'm a model. I got my break by pure luck when I was spotted by a scout while eating a Big Mac at a Sao Paulo McDonald's with my friends. I was 14. My father didn't like the idea of my becoming a model but I was so determined. I begged and pleaded and threw tamper fits and fluttered my eyelashes and called him sweet names until he finally gave way and I moved to Sao Paulo and joined the Elite Modelling agency. I've been lucky ever since, appearing in campaigns for people like Ralph Lauren, Dolce & Gabbana, Versace, Valentino, Celine, Gianfranco Ferre and Chloe.
I left Elite a year back, switching to IMG Model Management which caused a pretty big fuss. I have no clue why. I wasn't happy with the way Elite treated me. they made me feel like a number, a statistic in their book. And I refuse to be treated that way. I'm a model. I make money by walking in a straight line and looking pretty for the cameras. So what? Big deal. It doesn't mean I have no brain or soul. I'm tired of being judged by my job. Instead you should judge me by the way I act.
I love sweet popcorn, candy and McDonald's sundaes. My nickname in the fashion world is The Boobs From Brazil. Catchy right? Ha. I have my belly-button pierced and a small tattoo on the inside of my left wrist. I love walking my dog Vida, which means "life" in Portuguese, and trying to surf. I suck really bad at that though. Ha.
As for my lovelife... I guess my most famous ex would be Leonardo di Caprio. We dated for three years. Things happened. We split up. End of story.
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